We, Of Rose and Scorn
by thistlewine
Summary: Connor Murphy is a self-loathing vampire who has never known anything but pain. All that changes when Evan Hansen walks into his life.
1. Sedated

"Connor, why do you do this to yourself?" Cynthia asked sadly as she placed a hand on her son's clammy forehead just for him to weakly swat it away with a grunt. Connor hadn't fed in days. His whole body ached as he turned to face away from his mother and he had to bite down on his bottom lip to keep from groaning.

"Cynthia let our son kill himself for all I care. He's never going to survive if he keeps this shit up. Thank God at least Zoe has some sense in her." Growled Larry, as he strode over to the window and pulled open the curtains in Connors dimly lit room. Connor peered through his unkempt hair at the dust that now danced around through the golden light that entered his room. His father's words became background noise as he remained fixated on the effect of the warm light on his skin. His self-induced starvation had caused his porcelain skin to become almost translucent as his blue veins were now clearly visible. His eyes trailed up his arm and for a second Connor felt an itch when his eyes met his wrist. _Stop_ , he thought, trying to pay attention to his already chipping plum colored nail polish instead. He hadn't fed on anyone in over a month and it was taking its toll on him. His lungs felt stale and as if they were filled with ash and he barely made it through the day without feeling faint. Each day, his limbs grew heavier and he had now succumbed to the idea of the near death that awaited him. To stay alive, Connor had begun taking part in the most despicable act a vampire could possibly do. He had started feeding off of himself to satisfy his insatiable cravings.

"Connor!" Larry barked, snapping him out of his thoughts as he gave his father a lazy glance. As his eyes circled back to his previous fixation in the room, he noticed his sister Zoe had at some moment sneaked into his room and was watching him from an old armchair. His father suddenly barged over and grabbed his arm before harshly hauling him onto the cold floor. Zoe remained silent but shuffled in her seat and looked away shamefully.

"Get your shit together! Every day I have to see your pathetic self moping around. You're a disgrace to our name!" Larry spat through gritted teeth before kicking Connor in his ribs. Tears rose to Connor's eyes but he clenched his nails into the palms of his hands to stop the tears from falling. Another kick landed on his back. Pain seared throughout his body as he lay there, barely registering Larry's loud footsteps on the creaky wooden floor as he left. Too weak to force himself up, Connor just laid there waiting for the pain to lessen. After a long, silent moment, Zoe crept over and helped Connor up into the armchair she had previously been sitting in. She held him, careful as to not put too much pressure on his hurt body.

"Connor...Why are you doing this to yourself?" Zoe finally asked, reaching up to remove the hair from his face. Connor stiffened at her touch.

"Stop pretending to care and go back to keeping up the perfect daughter act you've got going on." He hissed at her, pushing her hand away. He knew she didn't care about him. Zoe had chosen to remain silent throughout all of Larry's abuse, never once standing up for Connor.

"Connor, please... I do care. It's-It's just I don't know what to do. Tell me how to help you," Zoe whispered with a pitiful look in her eyes before adding a quick "please". Connor forced his eyes away from her, even as she handed him an old bronze flask.

"At least take this." She urged him before she scuttled out of his room, shutting the door behind herself. Connor turned the flask in his hands over and over again while trailing his index finger over the engraving that decorated the front. Engraved into the metal was a Starling, wings spread out as intricate thistles emerged from behind. The flask had been gifted to Connor from Zoe years ago back when the world was still full of sunshine and sweetness before the bloodlust had started. Zoe had it engraved especially for his 8th birthday and confidently presented it to him with a giant smile and indigo hair. _What happened to us, Zoe? We were so bright and full of life._ Connor finally twisted the cap off with trembling hands and was immediately intoxicated by the thick metallic scent of blood that entered his nose. His heart immediately began beating furiously, shooting bursts of pain through his chest and he felt the aching pain in his gums around his canine teeth. He stared up at the ceiling to try and center himself before giving up and bringing his dry lips to the flask. He tipped it upwards, letting the blood fall into his mouth, onto his tongue, and down his throat. Just tasting the salty blood already made him feel better but he lost himself in the taste and desperately began gulping down all of the everything in the flask, tongue then licking any last drops he could reach.

Connor slumped against the armchair, flask hanging loosely from his hand that was draped over the chair, staring at the ceiling once again. The blood was in him but the cravings remained as a constant noise in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the feeling of the blood on his body. He felt the warm rush travel from his stomach to the ends of his fingers and up to his head causing the drunk feeling that swept over his mind. This violent delight was almost indescribable. It would be euphoric were it not stained with the return of his self-loathing. Connor, with his brittle form painted in golden light, gave in to the exhaustion and throbbing pain in his ribs and started to fall asleep on the armchair as the darkness of his mind drowned him.


	2. Someone New

Beep Beep. Beep Beep. Beep be-

"Uuuugh".

7:00 AM. Evan Hansen woke up with an exasperated groan and shut off his alarm. Begrudgingly, he opened his eyes and sat upright in his small bed. The semi-darkness of his room was comforting to him and was almost soothing at times. He placed his hands in front of his face and examined them before balling his hands into a fist and forcing himself out of bed before the dread wormed its way into his chest. He reached over and picked up his phone and earphones, the bright light illuminating his face. He exhaled as the soothing music filled his hears and calmed his mind.

Evan had by this point in his life formulated a strict schedule by which he religiously followed. He would wake up at 7:00, shove food down his throat, shower, check his backpack twice (in case he forgot any school supplies), leave their small house by 8:20 with the hope that he wouldn't have to see his mother by the time he left, and make his way to school. It's not that he didn't like his mother, it's was just that he hated having to force a smile for her every morning and tell her that he as ok.

"Evan honey?" Heidi's voice chimed through the house, calling out to him. He heard her light footsteps getting louder as she neared his room and he closed his eyes once more before groaning inside his head and putting on a smile as she entered his room. She was searching behind her warm brown irises. Looking for what, he did not know. Her hair had grey streaks that flowed amongst the blonde, no doubt acquired at the same time that her eyes had become permanently tired. She looked older than she was but despite this, she had managed to always appear warm. She made her way to the side of Evan's bed and ran a hand through his hair with a hum.

"Excited for today? It's your first day of senior year!" She said with a smile, trying to encourage him to feel the same enthusiasm. Evan knew this year would be the same as all the others- filled with anxiety and loneliness. After middle school, his friendship with Jared had changed to something forced and cold. They no longer hung out and played Mario Kart for hours or challenged each other to see who could stay up the longest on weekends. Jared avoided Evan during lunch times and classes unless he needed something, that something usually being car insurance. 'Family Friend' was his new title. Evan could never bring himself to ask Jared what had happened to them out of fear for making things worse and had decided to cling to the little friendship they had left.

"Yup." He responded with a pop. Heidi sighed and gently nudged her son's shoulder with his.

"C'mon kiddo. Don't set yourself up for failure. At least try to have an optimistic outlook. Are you writing those letters you're supposed to be doing? They're very important honey." She told Evan all this with such hope in her eyes that Evan almost believed he could improve just for her. Heidi was always out working late shifts and studying so hard to make things the best she could for him. And here he was, barely trying for her. Barely existing.

"Y-yeah I have to print one as soon as I get to school." He lied, picking at his cast. _Dear Evan Hansen blah blah blah life is amazing and I totally don't want to die._ He was getting sick of those letters.

"Oh here's an idea, you could go around and ask your classmates to sign your cast!"

"T-totally. Hey, mom, I gotta go get ready now…" Evan said quietly as his eyes trailed towards the door.

"Of course! Have fun, honey. Oh! I have an extra shift tonight at the hospital so I left some money on the counter for you." She said, standing up from his bed. Evan replied with a smile and a thumbs up that he hoped was convincing enough for her. He closed his door once she left and leaned his back against his bedroom door and slid down to the carpeted floor, careful not to make any noise. He wrapped his arms around his knees and inhaled. _Breathe. It can't be that bad today. Just one day. One day at a time. Remember what Dr. Sherman said. Take things slowly._

He made sure to always arrive early at school, that way he didn't have to see as many people as he'd wait in the bathroom until class started. 8:45 AM: It was time for him to head to the bathroom. He didn't want to wait around the lockers like a loner until Jared came. Evan had become more than an expert at avoiding people at school. He had successfully managed to become the ultimate wallflower, with Jared as a rare exception of course. Evan was swift as he navigated the halls, dodging people left and right, careful not to bump into anyone in case they decided to shout at him.

On most days, no one was in the bathroom when Evan arrived, however today he was startled by the strong smell of weed that attacked him as he stepped into the tiled room. Lifting his head to identify the source of the smell, Evan's eyes found Connor Murphy leaning on the wall opposite to him. Connor had his head tilted back as he slowly let out a puff of smoke. His dark brown hair that he'd grown over the summer fell on his shoulders and framed his face. His sharp cheekbones seemed unnaturally accentuated and his pale skin contrasted against his dark clothing. He was beautiful in a traditional way as if sculpted out of pure, romantic melancholy.

"What are you staring at?" Connor's slightly raspy voice broke Evan's stare and he immediately flushed a bright pink and began sputtering an apology.

"I-I-Nothing! Not that y-you're nothing, no I mean I didn't mean to it's just you'renotallowedtosmokeinhere and you s-surprised me- and what if someone has asthma and they walk in here and die and-" Evan's rambling was cut off by Connor pushing himself off the wall and walking towards him. _Oh shit_. Connor stopped in front of him and stared coldly into Evan's eyes.

"So the school freak surprised you, huh? What? Scared I'll stab you or something?" Connor growled before taking another hit and blowing the smoke into Evan's face. Evan felt ice-cold fear emerge from his chest and take over his mind. Oh no, Evan thought, I've insulted him. Connor was notorious in his school for his bad attitude and short temper. There were rumours that Connor had once thrown a printer at a teacher in second grade and although Evan didn't entirely believe them, rumours tended to stem from some truth.

"No of course not I-I just try to avoid everyone, not just you.." Evan trailed off, fixing his eyes on a particularly grimy tile.

Connor was staring down at Evan and he felt like prey. He felt so small like he always did. Evan dug his nails into his arm again and again in an attempt to calm himself down and focus on the pain but Connor's eyes kept staring down into him, into his soul it seemed. Connor suddenly reached down and pulled Evan's arm up, eyes softening as he noticed the small red moons Evan had made on his arm. Evan flinched and looked away as he began to mentally prepare for a hit of some kind but nothing came. Connor inspected his arm and nearly brushed his fingers against the injuries Evan had made out of panic. Evan focused on a grimy tile, too ashamed to meet the other's eyes. He tilted his head and looked back to the smaller boy with pained eyes, holding his joint out to him.

"Want a hit, Hansen?" His eyes had changed to playful and he waved the joint in front of Evan's face. Evan couldn't keep up with all of Connor's different moods. One second he was pissed, then pitying him, then almost friendly. Evan was both intrigued and scared to be around Connor. He was someone new, someone, who wasn't full of shit or fake smiles like the others in his grade. He was electric.

Evan stared at him with wide eyes and was about to reply but was cut off by the screeching sound of the first bell for homeroom.

Connor smirked and leaned closer to Evan before whispering "Saved by the bell it seems. See you later Hansen." He flicked his joint onto the floor and left Evan standing in the bathroom, entirely confused by the exchange and how Connor knew his name.

Evan snapped himself out of his daze and speed walked to his Literature class and managed to make it just in time to see only one seat left. One last seat which just so happened to be next to Connor Murphy. Evan hesitated, wondering whether or not to skip the class but decided that he'd have to come to class sooner or later and see Connor anyway. Exhaling sharply, Evan quickly made his way down to the seat, careful to not attract any attention and he placed his bag down. He sat like a stiff log, scared to be noticed, his palms becoming increasingly sweaty.

"All right let's get the class started shall we.." The teacher droned on and Evan managed to ignore Connor's presence as he invested himself completely in the book they were reading, paying extra attention to every single word on the page. His eyes traced the shape of the black letters on against the creamy and worn pages of The Great Gatsby. Finally after what seemed like hours class ended and Connor wordlessly left the classroom. Evan took his time as to not accidentally hurt his arm anymore. He nearly missed the page that was left on the desk for him. It was a simple yet accurate sketch of himself, looking at the front of the class, with the words "You following me?" written underneath.


	3. Like Real People Do

Connor headed home after the first period as his hunger was growing to an uncontrollable level. He nearly lost it when he saw the blood on Evan's arm. He didn't mean to go so close to him but he could only see crimson and Evan for a few moments. He was drawn to it. He nearly attacked him there but seeing the fear in Evan's eyes broke his trance and he managed to get through the class. _He's probably scared shitless of me._

His mother spotted him as he entered his home and called out to him but Connor kept looking ahead and rushed upstairs. The pain in his stomach spread throughout his whole body. He locked the door to the bathroom and stood in front of the sink. He stared at himself for a moment, taking in his sickly appearance. He looked like a ghost. His pupils had dilated already and his cheekbones looked like as if they were about to pierce through his skin. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small razor that he kept just in case for these occasions. Connor sucked in a breath while he slid the sharp metal across his wrist and immediately placed his mouth over the cut. Without a second thought, his fangs grew from his gums and he had to pull back to not bite down on his wrist. He sucked the warm blood from his arm, some escaping his mouth and dripping down his chin. Drinking his own blood was different than drinking someone else's as other blood gave him a high or drunk feeling but his own made him nauseous. He had to suppress the feeling of gagging and force the blood down his throat. It was the only thing that would keep him alive right now. Once he was finished he held onto the sink for a moment to steady himself and calm the nauseous feeling rising up in him. He looked at himself in the mirror, deathly pale and with blood dripping from his lips. He felt disgusted. Once it finally settled, he grabbed the bandages he kept in the sink cabinet and began to quickly wrap them around his wrist. His handiwork was messy but it would do for the time being.

Connor cautiously unlocked the bathroom door, checking the bathroom for any signs of his disgraceful act for the last time, and silently walked to his room. The Murphy household had never been perfect but now it was almost unbearable for Connor so he aimed to avoid his family as much as possible- his father in particular. On most days, Connor didn't cross paths with his father as he hid in his room for the most part and stayed out of the way of his family but on the unfortunate incident that he did see his father, he almost always got away with fresh bruises on his body. There was a time, after Connor came out to his family, that the abuse was at its peak. Fortunately for him, Cynthia had intervened and begged Larry to tone it down but this was only after Connor had first attempted to kill himself.

Since then, Connor had learned to keep to himself and busy himself with his drawings. Every inch of the walls to his room was covered in drawings and paintings of people, nature, and almost biblical scenes. Some simpler sketches of plants were closer to the corners but the drawings became more intricate and beautiful the closer to the center of the wall. Connor managed to escape his painful reality through his artwork and through lots of sleeping. He laid down on his messy bed, the silk sheets soft on his skin, and fell asleep the way he always did after feeding from himself. The horrible feeling always sucked the energy out of him but he found solace in his dreamless sleep.

Connor woke up the next morning to the sunlight on his face and a surprisingly more hopeful mood. On a typical day, Connor would try his best to stay home or sleep in and miss most of his classes but today was different. It took him a while before it dawned on him that this new attitude came from the thought of possibly seeing Evan again. Connor didn't exactly know why but he enjoyed Evan's anxious presence as it was more honest than most people he came across and he enjoyed teasing him even more. He wasn't sure why he had so much fun teasing Evan but he assumed it was because Evan actually spoke to him instead of just running off. _Don't kid yourself, he'd never actually_ be _your friend. He's scared of you just like all the others are and rightly so._

Without giving it much thought, Connor decided to actually wash and brush his usually oily hair before leaving for school and he chose to wear a hoodie that didn't already reek of weed and teenage boys. His new attitude was interrupted by Zoe entering his room. At the sight of him, her face lit up with a hope which she failed to conceal.

"What do you want?" Connor bit at her, annoyed with the hope she held. This had happened before. Whenever Connor cleaned himself up a bit, Zoe began to think he was getting better or that he'd fixed himself. She'd then try to be all friendly with him as if all she's done to him could be forgotten so easily. He wasn't fixed. He'd never be.

She shot him a look before rolling her eyes and replying with "I have some charcoal pencils for you, asshole. A peace offering, if you will. I want to try and fix things. If you're fine with it, I'd love to talk, but for now, here's a symbol of peace." Zoe handed him a bundle of charcoal pencils with a golden ribbon wrapped around them. Did she know charcoal was his favorite? He stared at her for a second pensively and slowly took them from her without a word. He looked away from her to the side, his way of saying _Thank you_ which she understood and left with a small nod. Maybe things could actually change between them. Maybe he'd finally get his sister back. Or maybe you'll fuck it up again like you always do. The voices in his head still fought, but for some reason, this time the evil one was much quieter.

It was fair to say that Evan did freak out over the drawing and short note that Connor left for him after their Literature class. The entire day the words "You following me?" Flashed in his mind. _What if Connor thought he was a creep or stalker?_ Connor was notorious in his school for his short temper and fights that he started. He could easily kill Evan. _Oh god, what if he did beat him up?_ Luckily for Evan, he didn't have to face Connor the next week in school, nor did he receive any death threats from him. Due to the absence of Connor and Jared's incessant mockery of the situation, that being Evan on Connor's kill list just from seeing him twice in one day, Evan decided it would be fine to continue his life as normal and not worry about the situation. Well, not worry so much. Evan decided it would be fine to return to the bathroom after a week of no Connor however as he entered he once again was met with the sight of Connor smoking against the wall. He almost managed to escape the confrontation with Connor but was stopped from leaving as Connor said, "We have to stop meeting like this Hansen, it's hardly classy." With a smirk. Evan immediately began to apologize for being there but Connor cut him off again.

"Geez, Hansen it's a joke. Stay, I could use the company."

Evan shuffled his feet and entered the bathroom but remained a good distance from Connor.

"I won't bite, you know," Connor teased, taking a step towards him, "Unless you ask of course…"

Evan blushed and replied with "Thanks, I'll keep that offer in mind." Before he could even properly process what he had just said Connor burst out laughing. Evan was used to this kind of banter with Jared where all sexual jokes were encouraged and it accidentally slipped out with Connor. He blushed even more (if that was possible) and clenched his fingers down on his arm to stop from cringing.

"Damn Hansen I didn't know you had that in you. And here I was, just thinking you were some almost-dead wallflower who only drifted through the school." Connor said, still laughing but he stopped when he realized how rude he was when he saw Evan looking down with a grimace.

"Sorry Evan, I didn't mean it like that but you do kind of avoid people here like the plague. I can respect that though, the people here generally suck." Connor then moved closer and gently took Evan's hand that was pressing into his other arm and pulled it away, saying in a quiet voice "Please don't".

Evan looked up into Connor's shockingly blue eyes and was at a loss for words. His eyes were like cracked ice, with so much depth to them but warmer than they should be. They didn't fit the tough demeanour that he gave off. No, not at all. Just how many sides did Connor have? Evan barely knew him but he seemed like such a kaleidoscope to him. One moment he was angry, another cold, another teasing, another caring. Evan couldn't keep up. No one else had noticed his bad habit so far - not even his mother or Jared. Evan silently nodded to Connor while staring into his eyes, finding himself unable to look at anything else as he tried to figure out the person in front of him. Connor didn't look away from Evan's eyes either, taking in their colour and trying to decipher all of the emotions that passed. He looked down and realised he was still holding Evan's hand and quickly let it go with a cough.

Evan broke the eye contact and blushed again before saying, "I'm not stalking you by the way" and continued after seeing Connor's confused look "The drawing you left me last week. I'm n-not following you. I like to hide here from everyone in the halls in-in case I have to talk to anyone and I-I don't want to look like a loner. Sorry if I creeped you out." Connor laughed internally. He wasn't used to people apologising to him for making him uncomfortable as it was usually the other way around. He smiled at Evan and reassured him "Don't worry Hansen, I was just teasing you. You should start getting used to it if we're going to be bathroom buddies because this is the best bathroom for getting high in and I am willing to coexist if you are."

And just like that Evan and Connor became somewhat friends. Most mornings, Evan would head over to the bathroom and find Connor there. Some days they would exist together in silence, Evan reading a book on Sycamore trees as Connor smoked or painted his nails. Other days Connor would ask him about whichever book he was reading or harmlessly tease him. Evan observed during these moments the careful way in which Connor painted his nails or how he always crossed his right leg over his left as he leaned against the wall to smoke. He also observed how as the days passed, Connor seemed to smoke less and less and when Evan questioned it he simply answered with "I'm already high on life" with an excess of fake enthusiasm. These 15 minutes before class became routine for both of them however their relationship had not yet extended to outside of the bathroom, the insecurities of the two boys prevented them from furthering their friendship although they both enjoyed their morning interactions.

After around month of being "bathroom buddies" as Connor so liked to put it, he finally decided to break their routine. Evan was sitting alone in the library at lunch, making meticulous biology notes when a folded piece of paper fell onto his textbook. He turned to see Connor next to him, looking slightly nervous as he pointed to the note. Evan opened it curiously to find the word Lunch? written on it. Anxious but giddy, Evan smiled at Connor and started packing up his things. They headed up to the roof terrace where no one ever went to have lunch. If anyone were to go up there, they'd see two boys lazing around eating sandwiches, one sometimes high or drawing and the other invested in sharing all of his tree knowledge to the other. For the first time in forever, the two boys didn't feel so lonely anymore.

"C'mon Connor do you have to smoke now? We have class in half an hour. There's no way the teachers won't notice." Evan whined as he watched Connor pull out a joint from his jacket pocket.

"You're right, you're right. I guess I'll just have to skip then…" He said with an amused voice, pulling out his lighter. He was about to light his joint when Evan quickly snatched the lighter away from him and held it away. Connor was surprised by Evan's boldness and gave him a look but it held no real coldness in it.

"Nope. It's senior year, you've got to go to your classes to graduate. Please try to go to them. At least enough to pass." Evan pleaded with him.

"All right. I'll try" Evan smiled brightly before Connor added, "If, and only if, you agree to skip today with me and we go somewhere. Just today. I promise I'll be a good boy after today, I just can't deal with school today."

Evan thought for a moment and let his boldness continue. This would be good for Connor. If all he had to do was skip one day to get him to go to class it'd be worth it. Of course, he was worried about what the school would say to his mother but he planned to play it off as a "mental health day".

"It's a deal." Evan decided, holding out his hand for a handshake which Connor took in a very business-like manner. "But I'm still keeping this," Evan said sternly, holding out Connor's blue lighter to which Connor rolled his eyes at.


	4. From Eden

"And where e-exactly is it that we are going?" Evan asked, trying to calm down his breaths at the same time. They had nearly been caught trying to leave school five minutes earlier by one of the school's guard sand they now sat in Connor's car. Evan was starting to doubt whether or not he should have agreed to this.

"That, Hansen, is a secret. I suppose you'll have to wait until you see it for yourself. Don't worry though, you'll love it." Connor replied, starting up the car. Connor's car was quite old and it looked as if Connor had spent some nights in it. In the back seats, there was a blanket and pillow. Evan would have to remind himself to ask him about it later. Connor reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an aux cord and connected his iPhone to the car.

"Any recommendations?" He asked Evan.

"Huh? Oh n-no just put something you like, you'd probably think my music is lame anyway." Evan replied through fake laughter and looked out the window. Connor mumbled something incoherent and began playing Tame Impala. They were heading out of town and the townscape was gradually being replaced by walls of trees that looked so refreshingly colourful under the summer sun. As he focused on the trees, Evan's anxious thoughts began to wash away slightly and he stole a glance back at Connor. Connor was beautiful really (in a totally platonic way of course). Without Evan noticing, Connor had at some point tied up his hair and it now hung in a loose bun, fray strands framing his face. The golden sun that landed on him made him look ethereal as he strummed his fingers on the steering wheel while driving. Realising he was being watched, Connor turned his head to Evan with a questioning look.

"Sorry, you're just r-really pretty," Evan stated. Evan was scared he had crossed some boundaries as he wasn't sure how normal friends acted with each other but he seemed to be riding on the adrenaline of their little adventure and decided that was why he had complimented the other boy. Connor's cheeks flushed a light pink and he focused on the road again before mumbling a quick thanks but Evan wasn't going to let him have it.

"Connor…are you blushing? I didn't know the stone-cold Connor Murphy could feel embarrassment. Don't worry I won't tell anyone. It might ruin your bad boy reputation." After all of Connor's teasing, it was Evan's turn to have a go at it.

"What? No." Connor sputtered and let out an embarrassed cough. "You just surprised me that's all. Look, Evan, I'm flattered but I'm not ready to start a homoerotic relationship with you." He teased, regaining his confident demeanour.

It was now Evan's turn to turn bright pink and he threw a lollipop wrapper he picked up at Connor with a laugh. They finally arrived at Connor's surprise location which turned out to be an apple orchard. Nature was taking back its territory from the abandoned picnic tables and was winning as wildflowers and moss attempted to drown any trace of human existence. In a small clearing, the sky seemed so big as it turned from bright blue to a more pinkish orange from the setting sun.

"So what do you think? Welcome to my orchard. Yes, that's right, MY orchard. Since no one comes here anymore, I've decided it's mine now." Connor announced with pride while putting an arm around Evan's shoulders and giving him a squeeze before letting go and walking down the barely visible path through the apple trees. Evan laughed and followed him, taking in the view some more as the light shone through the tree leaves and the thick, earthy smell filled his nose. Evan reached his arms out towards the surrounding branches and felt the grass and leaves brush against him. He loved this place. He followed Connor through the forest path until they came across an old barn. Inside, there were stacks of hay and some of the evening glow shone through the windows.

"I come here a lot as you can see," Connor spoke up, gesturing to the blanket and cushions against one of the walls. Reaching under a stack of hay, he produced two bottles of water and threw one at Evan who fumbled to catch it. Evan mumbled thanks and took a seat on a hay bale. He made himself comfortable and looked over to see Connor with a strange look on his face.

"Now to do what I've been waiting to do for a long time," Connor said but before Evan could ask what he meant, Connor began walking over to where Evan was sitting. Connor placed a hand on Evan's chest and pushed him down so that he lay with his back on the hay and placed his legs over Evan's, almost straddling him. Evan, shocked by the whole interaction, couldn't bring himself to muster up any words. Instead, he just stared into Connor's eyes and felt his heartbeat quicken. Connor stared into his eyes with a playful look and trailed his hands from Evan's chest downwards to his waist and then his hips. Evan thought he was going to pass out. It's not that he didn't object to what was happening necessarily, it was just a lot for him to process. _Wait. What?_ When did the idea of Connor running his hands down his body become something he wanted? Did he like Connor? It was probably just him having a real friend for the first time confusing him. Connor leaned his head down towards Evan and Evan was about to lean towards him before Connor grinned and shouted out "GOT IT!" and triumphantly produced a blue lighter from Evan's pocket. Oh, Evan thought, he had wanted that.

Evan slapped himself internally for thinking that anyone would ever want him in that way. He tried to fake a laugh to not seem uncomfortable but he didn't have to try very hard as Connor burst out laughing, tears emerging from his eyes. Evan had heard Connor chuckle before but never laugh as hard as this. He had never seen him so lively. Evan soon found himself laughing along with him. They were soon both clutching their sides and Evan made a mental note to get used to Connor's flirtatious teasing and banter. It didn't mean anything but a small empty feeling started up in Evan's chest.

Connor took out the joint that had been burning a hole in his pocket all day and finally lit it and started smoking. He wondered briefly if he had gone too far and made Evan uncomfortable. He could feel the blood pumping faster and faster within Evan and he was admittedly tempted to feed but he thankfully dismissed that thought. He felt other temptations when he was staring down at the boy underneath him but he pushed those away too.

"So why did you need to smoke so badly? You said e-earlier that you couldn't go through school today. A-Are you ok?" Evan asked, sitting back up to look at Connor. Connor fought himself inside. On one hand, he could tell his only and best friend the truth about himself and have someone to confide in and on the other hand he could trust Evan and then get hurt like it always turned out. Evan didn't seem like someone who would try to break him but then again it always hurt the most when you least expected it.

"I-um. I am pretty fucked up. Evan, I don't want to lie to you because you're my best friend but there's a lot I can't tell you right now. As for this morning, I just woke up hating myself more than usual and got in some shit with my family. We don't get along at all." Connor said all this while looking down as if it was shameful that he hated himself. "It's fine if you don't understand." Connor finished.

Evan laughed sadly before saying, "Of course I understand. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and repeat the words 'You are a mistake' to myself over and over again. If someone else isn't saying it then I am. My anxiety is so bad that is controls m-most of my life and I hate myself for it. That's why I'm grateful for you Connor. You're my first friend. You push me- I-in a good way of course! Please d-don't be so hard on yourself."

Evan dug his nails into his arm again to stop from getting emotional but it was true. In the time that he'd known Connor he'd done more than he could imagine. He was so comfortable around him, more-so than around his own mom. Evan was also scared shitless that he'd somehow ruin their friendship.

Connor smushed his joint into the ground and walked over to where Evan was.

"Can I hug you?" He asked shyly with a lopsided smile on his face and sad eyes.

"Y-you sexually harassed me to get your lighter back and you're questioning whether or not you can hug me? Of course you can." Evan said with a sigh and a smile, holding out his arms. Connor hesitated for a moment before tightly hugging Evan.

Still feeling confident and appreciative of Connor, Evan added, "I meant what I said before by the way. You are pretty." To which Connor just hugged him even tighter. Evan smelt of honey and freshly laundered clothes whereas Connor probably smelt of cigarettes and sweat. Connor could stay safe in Evan's arms forever but for now, he'd have to live with the small moments of intimacy he won from his teasing. Connor pulled away and started to walk to the other side of the barn but Evan held onto his arm. Evan motioned for Connor to sit next to him and as he sat, Evan extended his legs and Connor placed his head on Evan's lap. Connor looked up at Evan and noticed just how many freckles he had on his face that extended downwards to his neck and probably chest too. Being so close to Evan made his cravings worse but Evan started running his hands through his hair and relaxed him. What did Connor do to deserve a friend like Evan? In so little time the two had become so close it was unreal. The two talked effortlessly, Evan about his mother's late shifts and his dad which made him flinch as he began to talk about him. Connor, in turn, told Evan about his shitty relationships with his family, leaving out the abuse. Connor nearly fell asleep from the soothing effect of Evan's voice and fingers in his fair but was startled back to reality from Evan's phone ringing.

"H-hey, mom. Yeah, I'm fine I'm fine. I'm sorry I wasn't feeling too great at school s-so I left with a friend. I'm better now. Yeah, sure I'll head home." Evan spoke to his mother on the phone. The two made their way back to Connor's car and Connor drove Evan home, disappointed that their evening was coming to an end but happy that they had fun. During the ride back, Evan fell asleep on the ride home, exhausted from all of the excitement during the day and Connor took this chance to steal glances at his friend. Evan was warmth and honey and shy smiles whereas Connor was cold, and irritable most of the time. He couldn't comprehend how their friendship worked but he wanted to spend more and more time with Evan. As he pulled up to Evan's house, Connor reached over and hesitantly reached to brush Evan's cheek with his finger but decided against it. What are you doing? Already standing at the door was a tired-looking blonde haired woman who was, Connor guessed, Evan's mom. She waved at the two as they arrived and Connor waved back from the car. He turned to Evan and poked his side, resulting in a yelp from the sleeping boy and a grumpy look from being woken up.

"Thank you, Hansen. And as we agreed, I will try to go to class more. I am a man of my word." Connor grinned again at Evan before letting out an exaggerated sigh and pretending to feel faint, "Oh the things I do for you."

Evan laughed and went along with the theatrics "You wound me Connor, please forgive me and my outrageous demands."

"I don't think I will ever be able to. Now go, you're making your mother wait." Evan lazily chuckled and headed out of the car, towards his mother and waved back at Connor as he drove away.

"Is that your friend honey? You should invite him over for dinner one day. I'd love to meet him." Heidi asked Evan as they entered the house.

"Hmm.. yeah" Evan replied, focused on his phone and the messages from Jared that attacked his screen.

From: TheInsanelyCoolJared to ThatTreeBoy

12:26- Where are u man

12:35- Dude r u skipping with Connor? Zoe said she saw u leave school together.

12:49- Evan seriously are you dating him or sumthin

13:10- wait is this some sex thing

13:11- Ev you kinky fuck

Evan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed before choosing to ignore his messages from Jared. It was going to be hell for him when he saw Jared again at school. Evan lay down on his bed and images of Connor flew through his head. His smile. His restrained but truthful grin. The way his eyes lit up when he spoke of his art. The grimace he wore when he spoke of his family. The way he was so scared of sharing how broken he was with Evan. How he looked, only inches above Evan as he was practically on top of him. A warm fluttering feeling spread through Evan's heart. He bit his lip to stop from smiling in remembrance of the day. _Why am I like this?_ Evan groaned and pulled a pillow to his head to cover his face. _Shitshitshitshit. Shit._ At that moment Evan suddenly realised two things.

1\. He was gay or rather bisexual.

2\. He was falling for his best friend. Hard.


	5. Arsonist's Lullaby

"What do you want?" Zoe asked, trying not to show any irritation in her voice as she remained adamant to live up to her peace treaty. Connor decided, after minutes of anxiously pacing back and forth in front of Zoe's door, to stop being a wuss and enter his sister's room. His heart was racing and his palms were sweaty as he reached for her cold doorknob (which he didn't have, thanks Larry) and now stood awkwardly shifting as he tried to muster up the words. After a few moments of Connor not saying anything and just opening and closing his mouth, Zoe rolled her eyes and spoke up.

"Stop imitating a fish and come in, you're creating a draft with your mouth like that."

Connor clenched his jaw and sat as far away from her on her bed as possible before looking up to see her confused face staring at him.

"Hi." He said, lips pressed together forming a thin line.

"Can I help you?"

Connor sighed and repositioned himself an inch closer.

"Canyoubraidmyhairplease?" He managed to rush out without looking at his sister and clenching his fists.

"I'm sorry Connor I can't process the English language at that speed." _Ugh_ was she really going to make him embarrass himself even more? Connor breathed out again, face becoming a new shade of crimson.

"Can. You. Braid. My. Hair. Please.?" He asked for the second time, and by the word "hair" Zoe started squealing and jumped up from her bed and rushed to her nearest hairbrush as Connor tried (and failed) to contain a groan and cover his face with his hands. See, after his orchard adventure with Evan, Connor had been playing around with some artwork he was working on and found the gift Zoe had offered him as a peace treaty. Although Zoe deserved more than him, they both secretly longed to mend their broken relationship and Connor owed it to her to try to make it work. So there he was, half an hour before school started, asking his sister to braid his hair, something she always wanted to do for him.

"So what's the occasion?" Zoe asked, carefully getting rid of the knots in his hair.

"Nothing special just wanted to try something new." He replied, adjusting the laces on his boots. A small part of him wanted to look better these days but he wasn't sure as to why. He had started ironing his clothes and wearing some other clothes he had found in the back of his wardrobe. Don't fret, still dark clothing of course. Zoe continued working on his hair, muttering peculiar things about fishtails, mermaids, and French people. Connor took this time to take in her room. Typically, when Connor went into Zoe's room it was only for a few seconds and involved arguing or stealing her nail polish so it had been a while since he had actually seen her room. Looking around, he saw her faded orange walls and shelves filled with photos of her friends. Her sheet music was piling up on top of her desk and her shining saxophone leaned against her dresser. She hadn't changed a bit.

"How's your jazz band club thing going?" Connor asked eloquently, motioning towards her saxophone.

"My jazz band club thing is going really well thanks for asking." She apparently had learned how to be sarcastic. "I have a concert coming up actually. Sorry if I'm too loud these days." She replied quietly.

"I'll come to watch you play." He said without thinking. It had been years since Connor had voluntarily gone to one of Zoe's concerts. "If that's ok with you, I mean." When Connor first stopped feeding he was the worst he'd ever been and that was when he had begun to shut out his sister. His parents couldn't get him to her concerts without him kicking and screaming.

"Oh. Sure-sure. I'd love that. Just feed after ok? I don't need you accidentally feeding off one of my bandmates." She joked, grabbing a hairband from a pile.

Connor stiffened. "That won't be a problem Zo, I'm still not feeding." He said trying to keep a light tone. He lifted his sleeve to show her and her eyes widened but she didn't say anything.

Zoe cleared her throat and turned her attention back to his hair. "All done. Take a look!"

Connor sat up and faced the mirror and couldn't help but smile at his sister's handiwork. His hair was braided on the sides of his head and the rest of his hair was swept up into a loose bun. It was a subtle look but looked great.

"Thanks. You did good, Zo."

"Anytime. Now get out I have to get ready for school." She smiled and ushered him out of her room., closing the door behind him.

10 minutes to go before he had to leave. That's good enough. Connor headed the bathroom and locked the door. He brought his hand to his mouth and pierced the flesh of his index finger on his fang before sucking the small amount of blood that dripped out. He swallowed the salty blood and braced himself for the disgust. When he looked in the mirror this time he saw the same tired look and dead eyes but he seemed brighter. The way his hair and clothes looked made him feel satisfied for once. Once his finger stopped bleeding, he placed a band-aid over the small hole and looked in the mirror one last time before leaving for school. Maybe it'd be ok today. Maybe just today.

To say that Jared was giving Evan a hard time about Connor was an understatement. The second Evan arrived at school, Jared was there, ready to bombard him with all sorts of inappropriate questions about Connor. The more Evan tried to deny his accusations, the worse it became.

"So who's paying who for the sex? I never thought you'd have the balls to do this Evan. I'm proud for once." Jared teased, patting Evan on the head. Evan tried to sputter out a response but he had lost all hope in redeeming himself now.

"It's not like that Jared."

"Ev, my man, it's ok. There is nothing wrong with the love one man feels for another." At that Evan's whole face was covered in a pink blush which did not go unnoticed by Jared.

"Holy shit. Wait, Evan. Don't tell me you actually like him? Wow, I didn't know you had a thing for bad boys." Jared couldn't stop laughing as Evan began talking.

"Wha-what Jared no. No, we're just friends please stop people are looking at us." Evan tried to shrink into himself as he felt the eyes of some classmates on them as they passed in the hallway. He barely wanted to confront his own crush on his best friend let alone admit it to Jared. He was hoping it would just go away as time passed. There was no use in actually wasting energy on any hope he could feel with this crush. Jared's eyes lit up as he saw something behind Evan.

"Hey Connor, loving the hair. Very pretty. It's nice that you dress up for Evan." Jared placed an arm around Evan and turned him to face Connor, whose face showed confusion with a pinch of irritation.

"Whatever Kleinman. Go eat a bath bomb or something." Connor spat back with a roll of his eyes.

Evan looked over at Connor and felt his heart flutter at the sight of him. His hair was done up today and he looked beautiful. He looked different, cleaner, fresher. Like a newer version of him. Evan's crush was growing no matter how much he tried to push it back down to the depths of his loneliness.

"M-morning." He managed to throw out to the taller boy before looking down. He picked at the end of his cast. Connor looked down at the boy, confused. Did he do something wrong already? Evan was avoiding his eyes.

"You ok, Hansen?"

"He's more than ok with you here, isn't that right Evan?" Jared chimed in, bumping shoulders with Evan. _So it was his fault._ It sounded like Evan didn't want him around for some reason. Connor couldn't remember doing anything to Evan but then again it seemed like his existence just pissed people off at times.

"Connor, my friend, it seems Evan here has something to tell you," Jared announced as he pushed Evan forward.

He was about to ask Evan what Jared meant when Evan shot out "I DON'T LIKE HIM JARED!".

The background noise of people shuffling through the hallway suddenly stopped at Evan's outburst. Connor felt the silence in his mind as well as he took in Evan's words. What. He knew it. It was all a lie. People are always the same. They just use you until they're bored.

"You hear that freak? He says he doesn't like you." Jared repeated for him with a smirk.

Connor's mood flipped like a switch and he was filled with betrayal and anger. Evan just stood there, unable to say anything as he focused on the people staring at him in the hallway. All of their eyes on him. All of them focusing on him. Him. Him. Him. This isn't what he wanted. He didn't mean to shout out that but Jared's teasing just kept repeating in his head. If Connor knew about his crush he'd probably think Evan was disgusting.

"WELL FUCK YOU!" Connor shouted back, shoving Evan hard into the lockers. Evan blinked for a minute, shocked at what had just happened before he wordlessly began turning away. His chest was empty and his arm stung from hitting the locker. He took off, walking at first but then running through the hallway, to the rooftop they shared.

Connor stood there fuming for a moment. _Fuck._ Evan looked scared. He didn't look like he hated Connor. Evan wasn't like that, Connor remembered. Evan was good. He didn't want to lose his only friend. They had become so close in so little time. Evan was worth it. Breathing slower and clenching his fists, Connor started heading to where he knew Evan would be, all the while ignoring his classmate's whispers and stares.

Evan couldn't control himself. His breaths came out all raggedy and his vision began to blur as tears came to his eyes. It felt like he was going to explode. His breathing was heavy and fast. He tried to make no noise but the sobs still escaped his mouth. Evan heard the door open but it sounded so far away. Everything was far away. It was just him suffocating. Alone. It was always like this. Jared wasn't ever there for him, his mother was never there for him, no one was. No one ever would be, especially now that he had just ruined things with Connor.

"Hey, hey, Evan breathe for me" A voice called out. Connor. Connor was there for him. Why was he there? Evan looked up with shiny eyes from the tears but continued hyperventilating. Connor sat next to him and cautiously wrapped his arms around him. Evan didn't respond so he removed his arms from Evan and took his hands in his own while trying to catch his eyes but nothing was working.

"Please, Evan I need you to breathe. In for five, out for six c'mon I know you can do it." Still nothing. Evan just looked up at him with tears flowing from his eyes. Shit shit shit Connor thought. He's going to pass out at this point. Evan's fingernails were digging into the skin on his arms again. Connor hesitated for a moment before quickly glancing around to make sure no one was around, placing his hands at Evan's waist and pulling him closer. He had to do it. It would calm him down. When he fed on people, he shared the euphoria he felt with them which also made them forget.

"I'm sorry for this, Evan," Connor whispered.

He placed one hand on Evan's waist and one at the base of his neck. He felt Evan tense up for a brief moment before he moved his own head forward, pausing just above the curve of his neck. Connor tightly closed his eyes as his fangs emerged with anticipation and he carefully dug them into Evan's soft skin. He heard Evan whimper slightly as his fangs pierced his skin so he began sucking up the blood and God was his blood sweet. The taste of his blood exploded on his tongue as he licked at the skin, mopping up every drop. Connor felt as if he had never really tasted anything worth feeding on before Evan's blood. He now understood why the sight of Evan's blood had affected him so much the other day. He'd never tasted anything so delicious. The drunk feeling surged through him with such a force he had never felt before. Connor continued sucking on Evan's neck until he heard a small noise come from the smaller boy and he remembered why he was doing this.

He pulled back to see Evan had stopped crying and was now breathing slowly with a peaceful look in his eyes. It was as if the storm had settled. Evan looked like an angel as Connor held him, with his pale skin and blond hair and light eyes and a trail of blood down his collarbone. He stared off into the sky, tears drying on his soft cheeks. Connor caught himself staring and focused himself on cleaning the blood off of himself and Evan and wrapping his hoodie around Evan. Evan would wake up with no memory of what happened whatsoever.

"I'm sorry Evan. It's all ok now."

The shame settled into Connor as he took one last look at Evan before leaving. He had done this to him. He had fed off his only friend.


End file.
